Therein it is too hot
by Coins In A Jar
Summary: Twoshot about summer meetings in the Akatsuki. Those cloaks sure are warm, un... Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:**** I had this idea at 11 o'clock in the evening and finished typing it at 1 am. So please forgive any gross errors and let me know about them. **

**The phrase in bold print is Zetsu's black half speaking.**

_Phrases in italics are Deidara's thoughts. _

Random words in any of those fonts are just for emphasis.

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Naruto and am not making any money out of this (not that anyone would pay me for it). **

**Warning:**** Exactly 13 swear words, mostly due to Hidan's foul mouth. **

**Enjoy :** )

An advantage of working for the Akatsuki was the privacy of it all. No asked you intrusive questions about your past because no one cared. And if they really wanted to know they just had to open a bingo book. However, this privacy makes things a bit difficult if you aren't a full-blow cold bastard. Some of them (Deidara for example) still want to know who the hell they're shacked up with. No one knows what's under those big cloaks they all wear. Unless they're Hidan and half naked underneath anyway, everyone rigorously hides themselves in the coats at all times when in company; a custom which got ridiculous in the summer but hell, it's style baby.

Still, the heat in the building is sweltering, however much you ponder about it. The Akatsuki are all seated at a long, business-like table with the Leader at one end. There are neither windows nor a ventilation system to minimize spying. They have been in the room for about an hour and it is the high of summer. The sun has been baking the hideout all day and slowly steaming alive whoever is in it. Deidara had been lying on his bed with a minimal amount of clothing before being summoned to the meeting and even so was still sweating. A cold shower had only served to make him feel even hotter when he got out of it. Imagine having to dress "properly" with a _heavy_ **black** _**full-length**_ _**woolen**_ **CLOAK **on top.

Such is Deidara's train of thought as the Leader drones on about objectives and everyone pretends to listen. He glances discretely down the table and, sure enough, absolutely everyone is sweating. Hidan is leaning back with his cloak not-so-discreetly open. He's bare-chested_. Can't blame him, un. _Kazuku's eyes have glazed over; Zetsu looks distinctively withered and Tobi is sprawled out on the table in a mute gesture of supplication. Konan's skin is a bit pinker than usual. _Suits her hair, un_. Even Itachi the pale-faced wonder is flushed. Kisame looks purple. Deidara doesn't have the energy to think it's funky.

Kazuku is the one to finally interrupt the Leader:

"What is it?

- It is very warm in here. ("No shit Sherlock") Shouldn't we move to a more... adequate location?

- No. This is the only secure place I could get at such short notice.

- We aren't making any headway. It would be better to meet again when it isn't so hot. ("Hear, hear")

- I want this business sorted out today."

A collective groan (which no one ever admitted to later) welcomes this phrase.

"Tobi is hot.

- We all are.

- Tobi is _really_ hot.

- We know dammit.

- Tobi feels like Tobi is melting. Can Tobi take his cloak off?"

Silence.

"Can Tobi?"

More silence. Taking one's cloak off in the official presence of others isn't done. It just _isn't_. It's just one of those rules like showering every day or not stripping in the street. It's just _not done_.

Tobi obviously interprets the silence as silent assent and wonder at the genius simplicity of his idea instead of shock and a general doubting of his mental capacities. He takes his cloak off.

Even more silence. Everyone stares.

Tobi folds his cloak and sets it over the back of his chair. He sits back down.

He is wearing a white T-shirt and flowery orange Hawaiian shorts.

" Tobi feels better now.

- Tobi, un... Put your cloak back on, un.

- But Deidara-senpai it's boiling!

- Tobi put your cloak on!"

Then Hidan suddenly stands and takes his cloak off too:

" Tobi's fucking right! Why should we fucking cook in this fuckin' shit-hole?!

- Hidan! You will put your cloak back on!

- Like hell I will! Fuck you, I'm not your fuckin' bitch!"

Deidara _can_ see the Leader's point on that one: Hidan's wearing boxers and sandals and his forehead protector aaaand... not much else.

"I agree with him Leader-sama, we shouldn't make ourselves uncomfortable if it muddles our thinking." Kisame is looking for a reason to join Tobi and Hidan in the blessed haven of feeling air on one's skin.

"This isn't a social gathering, we _will_ keep our cloaks on and I don't want to hear anymore about the heat!

- Fuck you!

- We can hardly work like that.

- Haven't you worked out your plans already? **Yeah, haven't we suffered enough already?**

- Yeah, what he said, un.

- Silence!"

The Leader looks impressively down the table and receives a mass of less-than-impressed stares back. Truth be told he _is_ feeling a bit hot. But this is an official Akatsuki meeting and proper decorum has to be maintained. This means cloaks and this means wearing them for the whole duration of the meeting, heat or not.

"I think we should.

- Konan!

- Come _on_ Leader-sama!

- No one would know, un."

The Leader feels his utter certainty in all things waver. Organization members always wear their uniforms, or else what's the point of being in an organization if no-one knows about it? Those cloaks are their trademarks! What if a shinobi spied on them and only saw a bunch of nins? How would he recognize them?!

"No-one can possibly be spying on us Leader-san. There are powerful barriers around this room and only a single entry, which you have personally sealed."

_Itachi's first contribution to the meeting. Guess it's time for desperate measures, un._

" Yeah, and who could possibly get through your barriers, un? I know _I_ couldn't.

- Those protective scrolls are the best money can buy, the highest quality.

- Don't tell us you're scared of some mangy jounin, un."

The Leader's resolve finally cracks. He sits back down and nods to Konan. This makes her the first to lawfully remove her cloak and there is a general shifting around as everyone finally takes those damn things off. Kazuku, Itachi and Deidara nod to each other as colleagues acknowledging help on the battlefield, then Itachi relaxes minutely and suddenly appears to wear a fishnet shirt. He'd apparently been too hot to conform and wear his cloak and so had used genjutsu to make it look like he was wearing one. _Ha! Jerk, I wish I could do that, un. _

The meeting resumed when everyone had settled down again after learning that Zetsu's plant actually grows out of his skin, meaning that he has weird patches of thick green skin on his upper body. They also learned that his unusual coloration does extend all the way. He has a black right arm and a white left arm and with a green T-shirt on top it looks like the plant is slowly taking over him. It's creepy.

Deidara looks down the table with a regain of interest. Thoughts like _Whoa, Itachi looks hot in fishnet, un! _followed by _Where did _that _come from, un? _cross his mind; not everyone has some weird physical quirk apparently. Kisame looks like a mover in an old tank top apart from the fact that he has blue-gray skin and Konan is an ordinary woman in every respect (especially while wearing a cropped T-shirt). Kazuku does have some weird black stitches holding him together but his black clothes are fairly normal. The Leader hasn't removed his cloak and just muttered something about indignity while everyone else did.

They finished taking the necessary decisions around 5 in the afternoon when the air had cooled down a bit and their brains had begun to work properly again. The cloaks came back on before they left and the Leader made them swear not to mention this to anyone else. Not that there was anyone to mention it to. Ironically "Hey, did you know I took my cloak off in public once?" never really made it as an icebreaker.

Lying in bed in the dark Deidara cogitated about Sasori. He wondered how his senpai would have reacted to the heat. Cloaks are warm, they proved that fact today, and the puppet he traveled in was made of metal. He vaguely remembered a drunken bet he'd made before getting "recruited" by the Akatsuki, something about stripping... It had been raining. He'd gotten his trousers halfway down his legs by the time they'd thrown him out and he'd stumbled around trying to distinguish his shirt and sandals from the mud. He'd worn a brown-- no, a red shirt that day. The same shirt as today. It had been the first time he'd been drunk enough to do that sort of bet. And today was the first time they'd all taken their cloaks off. Except Leader who didn't play fair. Perhaps he'd suggest strip-poker next time... It'd certainly be... worth it. To see their faces. And... learn more about them. See who could be... persuaded... into some alcohol... Perhaps a game... Leader in his Y-fronts... Ha ha ha...

And with that Deidara fell asleep in the heat with Tobi's old electric fan flapping on and mosquitoes streaming in through the open window, the bastards.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:**** This one was typed around midnight. So again please forgive any gross errors and let me know about them. **

**The phrases in bold print are Zetsu's black half speaking.**

_Phrases in italics are Deidara's thoughts. _

Random words in any of those fonts are just for emphasis.

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Naruto and am not making any money out of this (not that anyone would pay me for it). **

**Warning:**** ZetsuDei, if you stand on one leg and squint. **

**Enjoy :** )

Night. The sun has set a while ago and one would think that it would be cooler without it but no. It's still boiling, stifling in fact and the dark is filled with the buzzing and chirping of insects. Tobi's old fan has long ago been snatched by another member (it is currently strategically situated on Hidan's stomach). The blond lies askew on his bed with all modesty set aside and is trying to find a position in which the minimum amount of skin is in contact with the sweaty sheets. This is somewhat inconvenienced by the mosquitoes; those "little shits" have a way of walking feather-lightly on his skin just as Deidara's relaxing and sending him in convulsions to get them off before they bite him. Needless to say, he's not getting a lot of sleep.

"Urgh"

Said blond rolls off his bed and hits the floor heavily. He lies on the cool stones wondering if climbing back up is really worth the effort and decides that the floor is more comfortable. Five minutes later Deidara sneezes. Half of him is cold, pressed on the stones, and the other half practically steams from his sweat. Shower? _Nah, too wet, the mosquitoes cluster in the bathroom and gang up on any idiot that goes in. Seriously, un, they should be sued for harassment. _Kazuku tried once but the Leader wouldn't hear of it. A walk? _Too much effort._ A drink? _Hm._ Deidara lifts his hands and checks his palms, their tongues are hanging out and they are panting like little dogs. _Alright then._

He rolls over on his stomach and lets it cool for a bit before heaving himself up; and remembers to put on something just before opening the door.

A solitary shadow traipses down the corridors with a flip-floppy noise. It opens one of a few identical doors and quickly closes it again. Muffled cursing is heard. It opens the next one along and, after a cautious glance inside, goes in straight to a counter. A cupboard gets open and a mug set on the counter. Then the shadow reaches to the side and rummages to bring out a small box of something. A drawer yields a teaspoon after some persuasion. Another shape is sat on one of the stools at the bar and watches silently.

Deidara opens the bottle of milk and pours a generous amount in his mug. The brown powder at the bottom clumps and fails to dissolve. Unaware, the blond chugs the unmixed mixture and nearly spits it across the counter.

Zetsu sips at his drink meditatively. He is leaning back against the bar and watching Deidara trying (and failing) to make a cup of cocoa. _Honestly._ It's not _that_ hard, Deidara's blondness must finally have gotten to his head. Both halves grin at the swearwords emanating from the other half of the room.

"Do you think he actually knows what he's doing?

- **I think he just grabbed whatever was in front of him; he's checking the box. **

- And he can't read either.

- **Does he need glasses?**

- Nah, he just chucks his bombs at whatever is moving. No need to see well for that."

The halves' whispered conversation doesn't carry far enough to alert Deidara, who is still engrossed trying to read size 6 writing with little to no moonlight. He's holding the package half an inch from his nose and nearly going cross-eyed. White Zetsu finds it cute. Black Zetsu decides to end his suffering for the sake of his other half.

"**It's cocoa powder**"

Deidara jumps around and drops the box. He looks like a deer caught in headlights. Or a thief found in front of a safe.

"Oh! It's you, un.

- It's me.

- What are you doing here?"

Zetsu raises his glass. It's filled with a darkish liquid which glints sinisterly. He smiles slightly and two white canines peek from under his upper lip. Deidara makes an educated guess and gulps visibly. Black Zetsu is enjoying this too much for his own good.

"It's tomato juice.

- Oh.

- **What did you think it was?**

- Err...

- Never mind. What are you trying to make?

- ...Something to drink. I'm parched, un.

- **That's not how you mix cocoa. You have to do it gradually.**

- _You_ do it if you're so _smart_."

Zetsu slides from the stool to the floor and walks over. The moonlight glints on his skin as he crosses the room and drains his glass. Deidara steps back to allow him to reach in the cupboard and get another mug out. He can see Zetsu's back with the patches of plant trailing down to his waist when the man turns to find some sugar, they intermingle smoothly with his muscles and gradually fade in the skin leaving a trail of spots behind. Then he turns back round and sets a pack of sugar on the counter.

"You watching? _**This**_** is how you do a good cup of chocolate.**"

Deidara watches as White Zetsu explains that you have to mix sugar and cocoa powder in equal proportions if you don't like bitter tastes. He pours a ridiculously small amount of milk in the mug and leans against the counter while mixing it in.

"You really have to do it slowly. Make a paste and then dilute it, that's the best method to avoid clumping."

He does so and after a while hands the blond a cup of cold cocoa, slightly frothy at the top.

"**Now, what do you say to the nice man?**"

Deidara sips and slurps as Zetsu washes the other mug while glancing at him from time to time. It's really strange because half his face looks anticipant and the other irritated. The blond cannot decide what to think of it. After all, he already has to process that the notorious man-eating, bloodthirsty plant of the feared Akatsuki just gave him a lesson in cocoa-mixing. And drinks tomato juice.

"What time is it, un?"

Zetsu looks out of the window:

"About two in the morning."

Deidara yaws and sets the mug down.

"I really need to sleep. Thanks for the drink, un.

- **About time. **You're welcome."

Zetsu watches as the blond leaves the kitchen with a little wave of his hand and closes the door behind him.

"He left me his mug to wash.

- **You don't have to do it for him. **

- Yeah."

Still, he washes the mug and the spoon and puts the stuff back in the cupboards because Leader dislikes having things disorganised.

Deidara shudders as he leaves the cool kitchen and flip-flops back to his room. The blond strips and notices that his sheets have had time to dry. The mosquitoes have gone off to bug someone else; he shuts the window and wonders whether he should go steal Tobi's fan back. _Too much effort, un._ _Anyway it's cooler now. _

Epilogue:

Deidara managed to blissfully drop off half an hour later only to be woken at six in the morning by a Tobi hyper from a fever dream, at which point Kisame (who lives across the corridor) had to intervene and prevent him from testing an entirely new method of death by asphyxiation. Tobi escaped with a mouthful of clay and the Leader had a headache for the rest of the day.

**A/N: I'm not satisfied with the ending but I really couldn't think of anything else. Any suggestions?**


End file.
